Last year I decided that I was sick of sleeping on my 15 year old mattress (I know, gross) and set-out to find something new and comfortable. I failed to understand just how awkward mattress shopping could be until I went to my first store. Upon arrival, I was greeted by a friendly man who asked just a few qualifying questions: “What size are you looking for? (BIG, always big. Duh.) Have you ever tried memory foam? Do you prefer firm or soft?” I answered to the best of my ability before I was tossed a (used) pillow and told to “hop on” a bed a lay down.
It was only mildly strange at first, as I lay down on my back and tried to make myself cozy on the mattress. We continued our conversation about my comfort level when he asked if that is how I slept (on my back) every night. Actually, I sleep with limited clothing and on my stomach, but I politely told him that I sleep on my side and stomach most nights. Apparently, I am not going to know what it “truly feels like to sleep on this mattress” if I don’t lay like I normally would. Huh.
I rolled over as he said, “Don’t mind me. Just pretend I’m not here.” I think what he really meant was, “Nice ass.” Things got even more uncomfortable when my fiancé arrived to test the mattresses with me. He was also handed a pillow and told to climb onto the mattress next to me. A short time later, we were informed, “You can pretend to have sex on the bed to get the real effect.” We
were horrified laughed sheepishly, promptly rolled off the bed and told him we were going to “think about it and come back later.”
I’m sure he absolutely believed us as we peeled-out of the parking lot at 65 MPH, throwing the pamphlet about “finding your best sleep style” out the window as we went. We went to another mattress store, sans creepy salesman, and bought our mattress within the hour. I’m going to order my next mattress online in 15 years.